Is being ‘nice’ making you ill?

Here's the cure 💊

Author

Lesley Bell
October 20, 2023

The Leadership Programme Newsletter.

If you want to be a better leader you’re in the right place, welcome!

This newsletter is delivered every Friday and is a minestrone soup of tips, techniques, learnings and thoughts, & the odd disaster, based on my 25+ years of managing teams.

Read time: minutes

Are you being ‘too nice’?

I had a manager who worked for me, who was nice.

A nice guy.

He had more experience than me, which was why I hesitated tackling it.

But I had to, this is what I saw:

He was a manager who didn't like confrontation or conflict. He:

  • wanted to be liked, but also wanted an easy life.

  • didn’t give feedback for fear of upsetting people.

  • didn’t tackle poor performance

  • resisted making changes

  • stalled at introducing new initiatives

  • didn’t follow through on commitments

  • assumed being assertive led to conflict.

  • would say yes, even when he didn’t agree

He focused on being nice as he didn’t want to upset people.

Actually, it meant he was not effective.

Is being ‘nice’ stopping you from being effective?

Signs you’re being ‘too nice’:

  • Don’t say no extra work, even though you’re swamped, because you want to be helpful

  • Delay challenging poor behaviour in case people don’t like you

  • Avoid any conflict because you can’t deal with it.

  • Struggle to have a difficult conversation because you don’t want to hurt their feelings

  • Find it tough to set boundaries so can’t get the work-life balance right.

  • Feel overwhelmed by workload but have difficulty delegating.

  • Find it harder to make objective decisions

That’s a few obvious work-related reasons why you shouldn't be ‘too nice’. (To be clear, this doesn’t give anyone permission to behave like an ass).

But, there’s more. The impact of this type of behaviour can result in high stress levels, and burnout. If you're being less effective, you can end up with a team that resents you.

Plus, there’s the other significant and serious health impacts of constantly trying to please others. If in doubt, there’s a great podcast here, a brilliant and informative listen ( about 1hr 50 mins).

My five-step framework.

I’ve used it with clients and team members (including my ‘nice guy’), to get more confidence, set boundaries, be assertive and more effective.

1. Coaching questions that encourage self reflection, such as :

  • How do you feel it is going/ /what areas do you feel that you struggle with?

  • Why do you think that is?

Identify areas where they over-accommodate.

Review the impact of the decisions, (or not making the decisions) on them, and their team.

Not sure how to coach? See the link to the previous newsletter here there’s lots of tips.

2. They set clear expectations with their team

What the goal is, what the outcomes need to be, what good looks like, how it will be measured

Set up communication paths.

3. Develop their confidence.

I have a number of techniques for this including:

  • Visualising outcomes.

  • Establish what the boundaries are.

  • Practicing how certain situations would be handled.

Then, just do it!

4. Teach the techniques needed.

This depends on the gaps, but could include:

  • How to actively Listen

  • How to ask questions with curiosity, not interrogation

  • How and when to give positive and constructive feedback

5. Review how it is going

  • Set up a regular check-in, and see how they’re progressing.

  • Be supportive. Don’t be the one to ‘dump and run’.

When my manager knew it was OK to be assertive, that was when he got more respect, connected better with his team, and produced results.

It’s not just the ability to deliver to budget that makes a great Manager.

It’s the other stuff.

Any questions or need any help? reply to the email.

Please don’t hesitate to forward this, to help others learn.

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Action for the week!

Want to have a practice?
Do any of the symptoms resonate with you?

Extra resources

Additional resources you may want to check out.

You’ll notice that I've shown the ‘revised version’ here, which clearly explains, “don’t be an arse in using the book”. The term ‘radical candour’ has been somewhat ‘weaponised’. But, there’s good techniques and tips.

Here’s an Amazon ( affiliate) link so you can see what it's like, but I’d prefer it if you ordered from your local bookshop. May not be as quick, but a better soul-feeding activity.

Music to get you ready for the weekend!

A mega playlist of supersonic tracks, to get you in the mood for the weekend,.

Given the topic, I couldn’t resist. And it’s a dance classic, so get those dancin’ shoes on.

When you’re ready, there’s some other ways I can help:

  1. 1:1 coaching to help you develop the leadership skills you need to take your career to the next level. Let’s have a chat. Calendly link here.

  2. Micro-coaching : a single coaching session to help you overcome that one blocker or key issue you're facing. Details in the link here.

  3. FREE RESOURCES Interview Mastery training: to master confidence at that BIG event. It could be an interview, public speaking, or that pitch. Make sure that the very best version of you shows up to that interview. Link here.