What is empathy?

and how to show it.

Lesley Bell
May 24, 2024

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Read time: 2.45 minutes

I have no empathy.

Ok, that’s not entirely true. I can show empathy, and be empathetic.

Yet wherever I look, I’m being told ‘leaders need to be more empathetic’.

When I was younger, I thought I mustn’t be empathetic because I compared myself to others.

→ I didn’t feel the need to ‘show’ the emotion, as some did.

→ I am direct, and don’t feel the need to pad out difficult conversations with unnecessary fluff, as others did.

→ I didn’t go into my personal life at work, like some others do. I had a clear boundary of what I wanted to talk about, and not.

Less outer display of those emotions. Did that mean I can’t show empathy?
I subsequently learned that empathy isn’t about showing emotions.

There’s various, but similar definitions of empathy:

Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else's position and feeling what they are feeling.

Dictionary of psychology definition.

understanding a person from their frame of reference rather than one’s own, or vicariously experiencing that person’s feelings, perceptions, and thoughts

In other words, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, and understanding how they’re feeling

I’ve seen quite a few posts online ( in the leadership space) that reference empathy, and seem to take a step further.

Either ‘leaders must be more empathetic!’ then don’t explain what it is, or how you can, in fact, ‘be empathetic’.

Or, it relates to sharing the emotions by showing them: in other words mirroring them.

Ultimately, how we translate the word into our actions, depends on us.

For me, the important piece is understanding the other person better.

I don’t do 'crying with people' to show I understand. That’s not empathy, for me.
There is a great rationale for that given by Alfred Adler (on supporting grieving families):

“It's a families task to grieve.

It's [a councellor’s] task to be strong and support them. If I'm overloaded with empathy, I cannot do that.”

and another perspective :

“It’s their story… is not my story.”

( and thankyou to @Andrew Bull for the quote)

Clear boundaries help with that.
And that includes the difference between showing empathy, and giving therapy.

“empathy isn’t therapy”

They’re distinct, but I’ve also seen that line crossed, recently.

Why should we bother?

It’s been said that our brains are hard-wired for social connection ( I’m feeling that one ).
Our connections, and our ability to connect, lead to happiness and a more fulfilling life.

So taking the time to understand how others are feeling, has lots of direct benefits for everyone involved:

It fosters a sense of connection, which builds trust
You take time to understand, so you become a better listener, and communicator.
You’re building a supportive culture, which leads to greater engagement, and employee satisfaction
Greater understanding of different perspectives, means you can resolve conflict easier, and get buy-in quicker.
You’re ‘more approachable’ as a leader, which means the team will be more open with you.

to name a few.

How do we actually do it: show more empathy?

As a leader, the options around being more empathetic don’t necessarily mean crying on their shoulder

The aim is to understand their perspective, it’s not about you. Put yourself in their shoes, What do you ‘see’
Listen more, and listen better. Use ‘Active Listening’.
Validate others’ feelings, it doesn’t matter if you don’t agree with them: acknowledge how they are feeling.
“You seem to be upset, is that correct?”
Encourage openness. This enables team members to be able to share feelings, and help you identify any problems.
Share your own experiences, including failures. It encourages openness and a willingness for others to share their experience more easily

There is no right or wrong with this. We all have our own way,

How do you see empathy, and how do you interpret that with your team?

I’m interested to know, and I’d appreciate a reply to the email.

Please don’t hesitate to forward this, to help others learn.

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Action for the week!

Want to have a practice?
Ask yourself: how do you set boundaries: where does ‘empathy end and therapy start?’

Extra resources

Additional resources you may want to check out.

There are soooo many booked on empathy, it’s such a buzzword right now. This is easy to read, (I’ve not finished it yet) and may be worth looking at if you want to dig deeper.

Music to get you ready for the weekend!

A mega playlist of supersonic tracks, to get you in the mood for the weekend,

OK, the weather here is sh*te this week, so I want to crank up the mood with a good dance track. This seemed appropriate!
Disco round your kitchen to this old classic.

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