Active listening, and what its NOT

The Diamond Newsletter, because every one is a gem (yep).

If you want to be a better leader you’re in the right place, welcome!

This newsletter is delivered every Friday and is a minestrone soup of tips, techniques, learnings and thoughts, & the odd disaster, based on my 25+ years of managing teams.

Read time: 3 minutes

Before we dive in, I wanted to tell you about the usual problems I had early in my career:

I doubted myself, I was intimidated in a room of people more senior than me. I was uncomfortable at big events and networking, not knowing what to say. I was sick with nerves at my first presentation.

Sound familiar? I’m running a LIVE Masterclass on 25th September to teaching you approaches, actionable tools and techniques that WORK!. It’ll help you:

1. 𝗢𝗪𝗡 your voice and have those difficult conversations with ease.

2. Have that conversation with the boss, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 being intimidated.

3. Stop anxiety from holding you back.

4. Navigate a room full of strangers and network like a 𝗽𝗿𝗼 .

5. Feel empowered negotiating that raise.

Link here. But enough of me, let dive in :

Do you actively listen, or passively hear? And do you know the difference?

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, who isn’t actually listening? Either their mind has wondered, or ( worse) they’re just waiting for their turn to speak?

I've been guilty of both. Definitely. 😬

We all are. That's because it’s normal for your mind to wander, and to want to contribute. And this is why the nonsense talked about active listening gets me riled up.

Active Listening is deliberate and intentional. You don’t ’accidentally‘ Actively Listen.

Why Bother?

Think about the basics: what is communication really for?

It's to be understood. And to enhance that - we need to FEEL understood too.

And to enhance it further - let the person speaking know they’re understood.

A win:win:win situation.

Active listening is a fundamental skill in effective communication.

It means fully engaging with the speaker. Not just listening to what’s said, but also paying attention to their tone, body language, and emotions that come through.

Active Listening encourages the speaker to continue speaking.

The more you can hear and acknowledge, the more you can be certain you're understanding their message correctly.

And then, no misunderstandings.

Active Listening is particularly useful when:

• There’s an ‘emotionally charged’ message being given - you know you're hearing it how they intended.

• You’re not sure that you understand what the other person is saying. (How many times will that apply…)

There’s other benefits too:

• Building rapport and trust

• Problem identification and resolution

• Validation and empathy which can be empowering for the speaker.

So Active Listening checks you have the correct understanding of the message being given, and validates it: overall, it makes communication more effective.

How do you do it?

Many people are busy thinking about what they’re going to say in response: you've got a dialogue going on in your head. Then you've got the speaker. Two voices at the same time.

By concentrating on the speaker, you remove that internal voice.

Most understand that Active Listening involves focusing attention on the speaker, giving your undivided attention and showing genuine interest in what’s being said.

But it also :

• encourages the speaker to continue. This is by visibly acknowledging you are hearing what’s being said: nodding, maintaining eye contact, and using encouraging phrases like "I see" or "Tell me more".

• acknowledges what is being said, without judgement. That's the key here. It’s not about providing advice, invalidating or downplaying how people feel. This is done by briefly summarising what’s been said to check your understanding is right.

‘Listen’ to nonverbal. It’s as much about what is NOT said, as what IS said. Watch the body language, some signals can have different interpretations. Don't try and decode it.

It’s simpler to just ask, and check you understand.

A classic may be “When I asked how the job was going, you said ‘fine’ but shook your head”… Even those that we may think are more straightforward to interpret: they lean back in the chair when asked a difficult question; they fold their arms when you offer feedback.

In some circumstances, it may be more difficult to ask about those signals ( like with the boss or a client! 😬)

Pay full attention whilst they are speaking. This means removing distractions ( taking notes, phone notifications going off…). Try not to let your mind wander.

It takes practice to Actively Listen. The easiest way to learn is to get others, to paraphrase what you say. If you want to be certain that someone understands your message, make them use active listening

“Can you listen and tell me what you hear me say? I don’t want to hear your opinion, I need to know you understand me …” ( or something similar, that works for you).

When you listen ‘conscientiously’, you listen intently. Lean forward, mentally, and physically.

Concentrate on each word that’s being said, and crush your communication skills.

not subscribed yet? 😱 You are missing great info. Get it every Friday by clicking here

Action for the week!

Want to have a practice?
Either do the exercise above (ask someone to summarise what you’ve said), or, choose someone on the team with whom you want to get a better communication connection.
Actively Listen, using the steps above next time you speak to them. Summarise what they say, back to them. Check understanding.

How do you feel after the conversation?

Extra resources

Additional resources you may want to check out.

I’ve SO MANY books on communication skills, that it was really tricky to pick one. I’ve gone with this. Does what it says on the tin.
If you want a book that’s more psychology-based, drop me an email and I’ll send some tips over.

Here’s an Amazon ( affiliate) link so you can see what it's like, but I’d much prefer it if you ordered from your local bookshop. May not be as quick, but a better soul-feeding activity.

Music to get you ready for the weekend!

A mega playlist of supersonic tracks, to get you in the mood for the weekend,

This week: So we’re in full Autumnal mode now, and the rain is coming. So for the weekend I want you to imagine this:

You’re sitting poolside, at the Viceroy, Santa Monica. Drink of choice in hand (Paloma for me please!) and you are chillin’. Enjoy.

Other ways I can help:

1. My LIVE Masterclass is open! Early bird sale until 19th September. link here to check out

2. 1:1 coaching to help you develop the leadership skills you need to take your career to the next level. Let’s have a chat. Calendly link here.
   

3. Micro-coaching : a single coaching session to help you overcome that one blocker or key issue you're facing. Details in the link here.
   

4. Interview Mastery training: to master confidence at that BIG event. It could be an interview, public speaking, or that pitch. Make sure that the very best version of you shows up to that interview. Link here.